..............................damn.

if some of yall who read this and know me, then you know my words are me inside out.  to those who don't, welcome to my world.  here anything can happen and when it does maybe you will be the first to know... 
I hate being a capricorn, the goat sucks for a sign, our horns give us a bad rep as being hardheaded, and we stubborn as hell, yup thats me, I do have the good qualities as well, but we need to focus on the bad ones, this is where my flaws lie. you see, the times i should've opened my mouth, i didn't.  people i cared about got hurt, some died on the inside, some just died.  when I did, some people stayed, some didn't.  double whammy.  I can't change the past, easily i can sit here and talk to you about everyone and everything that pissed me off or hurt me.  right now though it isn't about that, its about the aftermath, what happens after that person has stopped hurting, when they can't feel anymore pain, when that pain causes you to lose years of your life just to try and erase the damage done.  my life these past 7 years have been fucking hell, emotionally and mentally.  I can't go on thinking in that light anymore cause it blew out with the same cats that took part in my downfall.  you made me the strongest man on earth thanks to yall bullshit, the only thing i will thank you for.  to those who kept it real, the ones i overlooked, i apoligize, i still keep it tight with yall, but i can't put into words how you've helped me.  my stubborness makes me forget whats really important to me and makes me focus on what is good for you, some of yall took advantage of that, i blame myself for that.

i live by this phrase "what you don't know can hurt you, what you do know can kill you"  The words are my own, feel free to think about it, yet another part to the story of my life, the things i didn't say, the pain it caused in the future, the wonderful world of confusion, yeah im known to cause all of that. i take full responsibility for all my actions, whether good or bad, i do have integrity, so you can never say i lied to you.  i just hold back alot, i always seem to put the next person ahead cause i would want them to do the same for me.  if it happens one day, so be it, if not so be it.  it's scary, cause when its the matter of the heart it becomes a tug of war amongst emotions, and personal feelings.  i'm in a battle now where things i should've said should have came out a long time ago. can't rewind now, can't pull the r.kelly and turn back the hands, only can look foward and make it better, more clear, stop holding the tongue and let it fly, when the time comes i always let you know the real, i have no reason to lie to anyone, my word is my bond, i can only hurt myself if i keep it quiet........damn i'm fucking rambling, sorry, lost myself.  neway, you should know that what im going through is a serious example of that line up there.  shit done hit the fan and its hot as fuck in the house.

I took a long look in the mirror yesterday and I went through a slide show of the different people whom i've grown to love and cherish, the ones who caused me grief and anger, I thought about the good times and bad times in my life, asked myself, what good did I do?  where did I go wrong?  all these questions i really thought needed answers, but they don't, each thing that happens is a learning process, one that even at 26 im still learning.  well, the conclusion i came to is that i did alot of things wrong, i also did more right though, i helped alot of people find themselves, brought a smile in their worst of times, made things better when things were bleak, i paid my dues, yet i still have that void, as though im lonely, something that in this time i should be thankful for, no kids, no woman, no responsibility that comes with a realtionship, yet, the feeling that once was, the desire of what can, has gone with the attempt of trying to reach it -scares the shit out of me,it makes me clam up, don't want to be hurt again, don't want to be confused, or mindfucked, so i lay low, say nothing, put the ball in your court.  play with it if you want to, if not, then hey, i can't help that can i?

To be honest i don't know what my future holds, i can't stop people from trying to stop me from reaching that level i want.  I can stop them from getting any farther than the salutations.  No more politikin', no more holdin back, my words can only affect those who chose to listen, long as its off my chest, and they know how i feel.

I can't seem to type anymore...honestly, my head is fucking killing me...

Da Champ