The Heart.....Revisited

Got word on funeral arrangements today.....

I'm sick of this shit really. I've been going to funerals as long as I could talk. Honestly I don't remember most of them because I was an Acolyte 80% of the time. That's another story. Anyway, I've spent three long days trying to put this to the back of my mind, it just seems like the more cats that lose their lives, the closer it is getting to home. If you been keeping up, I'm not a big fan of unnecessary bullshit. Hell I despise it. Yet, no matter what, I find it harder and harder to escape.....need out the box. I need peace, dammit.

(AG* - get your answer here)

Which is something that I've tried to figure out how I lost in the first place. If you met the people whom I've come in contact with over time they will tell you I'm probobly one of the most fun cats to be around. Happy go lucky so to speak, although I still smile and can crack a good joke every now and then, I still tend to look in the mirror and see that cold person, who's heart just had enough. All the wear and tear of people trying to fuck with me has taken it's toll. People whom I used to be close with are now at arms length, best friends now associates, crews are now broken up, all this shit I just can't repair. I've tried and believe it or not was actually successful on many of occasions. Yet, the one thing that I know is where my biggest strength is also lies my biggest weakness.....

That one thing is my heart.

and there has been people who made it look so easy to hide feelings, and cover what's real just to suit whatever's good for them at the time. I let my shit go. Whatever I feel inside, I can't ignore it. I can't just not acknowledge it either, cause no matter what, it's going to bite you in the ass. I don't see nothing wrong with telling someone how you feel about them whether positive or negative. If their heart is content, well honesty is the best no matter how brutal, negative, or positive. Which sucks for me, cause most of the time that honesty I let go on cats be some brutal shit.

Which lets me further know that the times where my heart took control of issues is where I found myself hurting the most. You see like I said, I spent most of my life putting others first, so no, thinking that people will do the same wasn't a fantasy to me. I believed in that 'do unto others' type deal. What bothered me so much is that all these fuckers who I gave that 120% to, each and every one of them turned their back on me, threw whatever it was that I did for them out the window, and whatever I didn't do for them (anymore) right up in the forefront. The pedestals I've been put on in life, trust ain't no pride in it whatsoever. Especially when these people who have told me how great of a person I am at one point, can't seem to help when I needed that 120% back. It is these things that make me what I am now. One thing that hasn't changed though is my dedication to that 120%, just because someone else can't hang don't mean I won't either, I never said I changed completely, just became a little more cautious.

So to the person (AG*) who asked if someone like me can get their heart broken, the answer is yes, can it be repaired? You better fucking believe it. I'm living proof.