Truth From the Darkside....

"You need people like me....so you can point your fucking fingers, and say THAT'S THE BAD GUY.....well, say good night to the bad guy!!! - Scarface.

So nice I would type it twice.

That last post was one of the toughest for me to write, it brought me back to things I thought I left behind. Yet, there was a question that needed to be answered and I felt as though I touched base on events in my life that I chalked up as what it is, the past. You're right AG*, there is things that I left out. You said you read my past posts, so you should know where alot of my inner pain stems from. Although it may seem easier to put these people on blast, I don't feel as though this is the best approach. I applaud your efforts to try and make light of my darkness, just understand this is not your job. We're friends and that's cool, if you want to understand my pain, just take a look at me now and know where I stand with pain...still standing.

My ex's are not my pain, they don't exist really. Honestly I can count on one hand how many of them I'm still cool with. Others just haunt me in the mall (literally). I will be real, no I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, shit, we all have done some dirt in our lives, but for real though. Most of the time us dudes don't like to air our bullshit, or our mistakes. Yet, I'm what you call 'not' your ordinary dude.

I take it you were expecting me to call folks out by name and tell all the shit they did. Really though, it doesn't help at all. I've done my share of cheating and lying and covering tracks, changing sheets, or just not giving a fuck, all this before I turned 18. At 27, you don't really feel that club life, that feel of going to big ass concerts, and partying and bullshitting all the time, just ain't me anymore. I'm still fun, but it comes with a thought process, one that doesn't involve running to my car to duck bullets, or not dancing cause I have to position myself somewhere where I can observe the 8 dudes spread out that seem to take a certain interest in me for some odd reason. Call it bad luck, but the last few clubs I've been to, I didn't last no more than 10 minutes because someone is getting put in a fucking ambulance. 3 in the morning? Unless I made some type of plan to be out at that time, don't fucking talk to me about the afterhour, ain't shit to do at that time, not at 27 anyway. If you ain't workin' you sleepin' and if it ain't finishing the el, you fuckin' one or the other. All that other shit is extra. Unless you're a celeb and that's your life.

Trust when I say, the way I came up especially in the church, I've acclaimed a very personal, very small status where people put you either with the ups, or the downs. I had my time on both sides, and as much as I never liked that down side, you must know that I kind of knew I was going to go there, not because I was the 'bad guy' but because as long as I was their good guy there was no problems, until I went to school in Boston and realized that what they wanted and what I wanted were two completely different things. As I grew with my church, I also grew within the system of it. I was given positions that were so easy to take advantage of, and when your base of people is around 500+, and you get your own string of officers put in your lap at fucking 14? Sheeit, if you don't take advantage you's a fool. Simple. The things I wanted for my organization was independance from their mother counterpart (who are the real bad guys for putting most of us in these positions without our permission, as well as these pedestals), I also wanted us to gain a more personal relationship with one another. Seeing that we spend pieces of the year in 5 star hotels and travel so damn much, why have beef with one another? Of course where I ran the ship everyone was no less than 3 hours from each other, and you know adolescants in a hotel with minimum supervision? You want that unity. None of the powers that be saw that, they only saw what they wanted, and when I reached that age where I realized that, trust and believe I stopped giving a shit about what they wanted and I stuck to my guns, once I disagreed I'm labled the problem child, the bad guy. All because I chose what I wanted for me, what I wanted for the people whom I called my peers. Fuck it, that's the way it's supposed to be right? One of these fools actually had the audacity to send me a letter explaining how I wasn't going to amount to anything because I decided to abandon my responsibility to the church, nah sweetie what I did was take my ass to college because I wanted to, I played ball there cause my church wasn't giving me a free ride to Wilberforce to do what I wanted, I chose to keep going while everyone stopped. I've accomplished alot more in life without yall there to constantly criticize each and every move I make without your approval. I know we had power, it was just misdirected, and by the time we all realized that we could do something, we grew up, and it wasn't important to us anymore. Plain and simple.

I credit those times in the YPD (the name of the crew in previous paragraph) because I met some of the best people I know today. My best friend from Philly, my 2nd family in Mattapan, the whole Charles St. AME, Allen Providence, the list goes on. Hell I met what I felt would be my future wife at an event in Boston. It's things like this that give me a positive light to shine, but dammit, the last place you would think someone would turn their back on you? Fucking awesome.

The whole future wife thing? Like I said my strength is also my weakness, my heart fell on one person whom I started a long distant relationship with, what's crazy is that I was faithful the whole time. Wait, correction, I was faithful, no one could touch what we had, yet I wasn't exactly perfect either. I made mistakes and manned up to them. I always looked at our situation as easy because where we lived was a 1 hour bus ride apart from each other, we didn't get in each others way, plus the time we shared was special. It was easy to forget the distance. When we started school, I didn't expect things to change for the worse, I didn't see the shit hit the fan until it blew in my face. You don't want to wake up one day and wonder if your better half is doing something with someone else, you don't want to have your gut tell you day in and day out that you're being cheated on, it's a feeling that hurts more and more for every day that starts and ends and you just don't know shit. If you think for one second that telling me sooner would make the transistion easier, you damn right it would've. That's honesty for that ass, no matter how brutal, you learn to deal with it. Would I have been hurt? Yes, Heartbroken? Yes, but a 7 month depression over trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong to have myself leaving it all at the Resevior trolley stop at the D-Line? Nah, I think she didn't realize how much I loved her, or how much I was in love with her. Then again, maybe she didn't know how much she loved me, and I never questioned that either. I just feel as though if you're going to venture out and do whatever with whomever, then at least let me know about it. Sure I hate rejection, I think we all do, yet if I'm not the person that floats your boat, then get off the ship. Just remember to express why you out. You can't just leave like the food is bad at the restaurant without letting the man know that your shrimp taste like dogshit. Give me the chance to recover from you, don't just leave me hanging. It's hard to have the love of your life just up and go away without telling you why. That little piece missing between us made it so fucking hard to transition to someone else because I felt like there was no closure. Even though she was deep into dude, I felt like she had to tell me what I did wrong, not because I wanted her back, but so I didn't make the mistake with the next person I ended up with. It was easy to add up that we couldn't be together, yet it was just too fucking hard to sit down with someone who feels something for me where in the back of my mind I'm saying "damn, I just gave someone who said the exact same shit the love they deserved and they left me, how can I do this without making some bullshit mistake that sends me back another 7 months?" See where the shell got hard?

No it didn't start in Boston either, that was just the straw that broke the camels back. The serious relationship I was in before that went on a good 3 and 1/2 years before I realized the last year and a half was a waste of time. A wasted effort to make her happy kept me in the 413 trying to make it in Community College when my game could've took me to a D1 school, one school where I wanted to go, but once again a situation where I put someone ahead of myself, and yeah it bit me in the ass. What made this such an easy transition, was the fact that yeah it hurt and all, but I knew it was coming. I didn't give a shit. Oh, let's not forget the standby waiting in the winds once our breakup became official. The hard part is the fact that I missed an opportunity on a good education, and a good chance at playing ESPN style basketball.

I'm not going to go into me and pops.

Now, I am doing my thing, there have been alot more hits and misses since these events above, yet talking about them means I would need to see your Psychology degree. I've decided to take my time with my heart, and the person whom I'm with gives me the space I need to be me. We are very honest with each other so the little things I don't worry about, and if comes a time where I need to worry about those big things, she brings me down to the point where these things are just water under the bridge. The events above are all forgiven as far as I'm concerned, there was never any hate, just animosity. With one of those bridges still burned, I'm good with the other two. No matter what happens, I know my life isn't going to be stopped for anyone again. The things that I learned growing up, all play a part in who I am now.

Take me or leave me, I really don't give a shit. Now say goodnight.

With that said AG*, I think you should be satisfied now with your answer. Now you know why I am.

I'm out enjoy All Star Weekend.
Da Champ