Live From Maryland

That's right dammit, I'm here in the flesh. The grill is on, the sun is baking, and my black ass damn near melted on the way to the spot. Damn you would think there would be some type of shade out here but that shit comes every quarter mile, for real. It feels good to be here away from the 413 and with my better half. I am having a good time and I know that she is happy with me down here. The cableman just left and he was very helpful in letting me know how I can get into doing what the hell I've trained for in the Corps. Finally, doing something I like to do, and getting paid a shitload to do it, that's what the fuck I'm talking about.

I need a hobby? Wow, and to think that there was a little smidgen of seriousness behind that. Yeah, what more can I say? Oz isn't giving me a new season, and the Wire is taking too long. Somebody gotta make up for the lack of Urban dramas these days, so in the future, be on the lookout for my jump off to my sub hobby of writing novelesque type material for all yall to criticize me on. I mean dig it, why not? Life is one big ass book right?


With that said, life has it's funny ass moments, and me being a left handed, somewhat clutsy (let me say it before anyone else does) high spirited, open minded person, I tend to have a lot of those experiences that either have me laughing or everyone else laughing, either way, to talk about them and even re-live them (thank you to the 5 Elements for ALWAYS making sure my shit stays alive forever). My time here in Maryland has always been filled with something I can take home and laugh at even share with my moms every now and then, some of the things on this list I'm about to put out there she DOES NOT know about, and until she is on her way up, or drunk on her birthday I'm going to keep this shit on the low, so without further ado.....

The top 10 Funniest Moments While Visiting Maryland

10. My very first time there, going to the ghetto mall and while sitting in the food court, an arguement happens, followed by a pushing shoving match in which the security breaks out in full force only to escort these fools....OUTSIDE???? Only to reappear 10 minutes later and not do shit. Funny thing about that was in the food court I expected the people to break out and run, I look over and only two tables away an older woman and her granddaughter (I'm guessing) just sitting there stuffing chicken in they mouth like ain't shit going on. Damn.

Honerable mention.....one of the cats involved in the fracas (I said it FRACAS) sold me a bag of that good good on my way out to the metro.

9. I only had Popeye's chicken 4 times in my life, I am not going to talk about the first three, but there is NOT going to be a fifth. Why? I'm going to tell you. After a good 3 el's of dro and a couple shots of Henney K* and I decided to go get some eats. Now I just had Subway earlier in the day and wasn't going a second round with Henney in the system, so I fell back and went for Popeyes. I got some strips and fries, ate and was full coming back to the spot. After doing what grown folks do, and having one more el' I remember crashing around 1:30, I was knocked out, and all of a sudden I remember an earthquake in my dream, I NEVER HAD A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE IN A DREAM BEFORE!!! and I woke up, only to hear my stomach make that sound like a fucking building just fell, and I started to rise, only to be stopped by a fucking midget in stelettos stomping a fucking hole in my damn stomach, fuck pregnancy....I know that shit hurts ladies, but dammit! When we gets the bubbly? Ooooooooooooh shit! Never mind the fact that I still had half my body out the bed and my woman has the kung-fu death grip on my legs ok, I don't want to wake her but everytime my stomach made a sound I had to hold my mouth to muzzle the fucking groaning I couldn't stop. I sat on the can knowing that the train was coming but tried to quiet the engine a little, I squeezed tight as hell, eyes watering like a mutha fucka, already took off the t-shirt in an effort to try and retrieve the pack of Newports 3 feet away, all this while STILL enduring the pain of that damn midget. I got the Ports' put one in my mouth, I'm thinking I'm home free, and I see the lighter just chilling on the sink, it's to my left so I know that I will have to crease my body (on the stomach side) to get it, but if any of yall smoke, yall know that the smoke muzzles the air a little so you ain't passed out from your own stench, but anyway, soon as I reached, there was no stopping the train, and not only did I lose control of myself, but I managed to wake her up in the process. What got me, is that this shit took a good half hour to finish, and everytime seemed louder than the last. I think I was on my 8th flush when it dawned on me that the damn toilet gave up on me. Fuck.

Honerable mention....In the aftermath of it all, there was not a plunger in the fucking house (thanks alot K*)

8. I mentioned in a few posts ago about a cab driver we had who we entertained by telling him we were just in a cab from taxicab confessions (a show on HBO) this guy was unbelievable, because in the whole ride he kept coming out with random shit that kept us two looking at each other like ......HUH??? For example:

Us: ...yeah it was pretty crazy that party, everyone was just doing they thing it was wild
Him: So did you fuck anyone in the ass???
Us: No, but this one woman was in some wild group thing with a couple of females and like one dude...
Him: SO you let anyone fuck your wife in the ass???

HUH??? Ok, that was more bizarre than funny, but still got a kick out that shit for a good minute.

7. Trust when I say this, I love everybody. I mean that in a universal way, I have no beef with anyone getting jobs and getting paid. What I DO have a problem with is when people get jobs that involve helping and they act like they don't want to do the work. I remember going to Subway and there was nobody in line really and I place an order that's pretty damn simple. This dude is acting like he don't want to help me for one, and that What I'm asking for is too damn complicated to understand. My patience tells me to wait for his reaction on K* cause she is getting something that requires condiments dig? So when he's done, he doesn't even ask me if I want a soda or a meal, so I question him about it and he starts saying some shit in a different language under his breath, and a woman comes out and rings me up. SHE doesn't seem like she's too happy from coming off her break to do anything but I get a kick out of K* fucking with dude while I'm trying not to laugh at him fucking up and the line building around the corner.

6. Pentagon City mall/station has a staircase/escaolator combo that is pretty high. It was a rainy day and I was meeting K* at the mall after work, and there I was outside bout to go in. I noticed this dude trying to talk to a girl as she got off the bus. She gave him the gasface even though his approach was rather respectful. Anyway she is on her way down the steps and I follow via the escalator. As I'm coming down she looks up and notices me, the grill was on, but I didn't care, and I passed with her eyes on my damn neck. I then heard a *clop* and some keys drop. I looked back and noticed she's down for the count and her heel to her shoe still coming down the steps....God don't like ugly.

5. I'm on the shuttle going from the plane to the metro and this crackhead is talking to me about a job. .................wait, there is no need to go on that shit is funny in itself.

4. In Arundel Mills mall there is a spot devoted to Hello Kitty (ladies know what that is) anyway, I went in on a busy night to inquire about the womens massager/vibrator and whether or not they carried it. One of the ladies looked shocked as the other one came out all nonchalant like "Nah, you would have to order it, trust me its worth it too..."

3. Sorry K* but without that plunger you have to pay on this one...We were doing what grown folks do one night and things got a little too crazy, while engaging in a pretty standard position, the force and momentum drove this girl head first off the bed, and unfortunatley because of the sweat, I couldn't catch her, she busted her ass.....I laughed my ass off......wait, we didn't finish either...................HEYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. The guy who had the drink thrown in his face while we were at Adams Morgan, I never in my life seen that 90210 shit happen in real life, for the first time, it was COM-O-DEE.

1. After a good 3 el and Henney filled night, we decided to do what grown folks do, anyway, I was out of Ports and decided to go get some, now I get there and it was all good, I'm red-eyed with a little slur in my speech. Chillin. I made my purchase and the woman was going to give my my dough and she stopped and stared for a second. Then she says something in her native language and another woman comes out and looks, they both start to smile and then people start to come in and one just looks at me. I get outside and something brushes across my neck. I reach to swipe and that's when I notice................

........my woman's draws around my neck.

Yall been great, enjoy life
Pray for a safe trip for me....thanks

Da Champ