My Back Hurts....

Hope yall had a happy Mother's Day...I spent mine working as did moms, so we took care of all the 'happy' stuff today.

I woke up this morning with my computer on the fritz, as you can see it's back on again. Time has been flying as the temperature is rising. We get 5 shootings in one night, thus making the city so much smaller. Amidst working my ass off and maintaining my sanity at the same time I come back to the same statement....

My Back Hurts.

Sometimes I feel as though I carry so much weight on myself, I dunno if it's because I try to take on so much at one time, or the fact that I feed off a pretty bizarre work ethic. When it comes to matters of the heart, instead of opening myself to lose, I hold in and fight it myself to ensure a win. Whether that be mental or emotional, I can't really explain why I do that. When things take turns for the worst, I have a tendancy to be the first one hit with whatever comes, and instead of moving out the way, I take the hit to stop the domino effect of people around me, I listen to problems I know I shouldn't, I give advice on things that have NOTHING to do with me, I lose patience with myself sometimes because it seems so easy to deal with the rest of the world, yet I sometimes find myself at a weak point, as if there isn't anyone capable enough to deal with me. Most of the time I DON'T want people to deal with me, I've opened myself to quite a few people in my life, and no I can't really say that I came out any type of better when I did that. Simply put, I took off my vest and showed my heart, only for them to load up and just shoot away. So I put the vest back on, carry the weight from my past experiences alone, I sit down and actually try to figure out why I am the way I am. Yet, I fight hard as hell to not allow my past to dictate my future. Still I sit down and feel like

My Back Hurts

The world is heavy, so are the boxes I move 4 to five days of the week. I go to work with the 90% chance of bumping into the law, and a 100% chance to work my ass off with those three words you see up there as the statement of choice. I go to work for one reason only, to be out. My time going and coming are close to an hour and a half altogether. I skip red lights when I get into town simply because there are niggas out there who just can't seem to understand that EVERYone needs to know who's next to them at the light. I go to work and deal with uppity, mostly high ass folks who I actually fear for my life for when I'm on the clock. I talk to no one, as the vest is on 24/7. To see what I get paid and know what I do, 10-12 hours a night, same conclusion even while sitting in my car LEAVING the place...

My Back Hurts

and it's not all that bad, don't get me wrong. This is not a complaint for anyone but myself, I am not aiming or scoping any of yall. My IcyHot sits on a telephone 8 states away and reassures me that all is not lost, not to really give up on things simply because there's a future to all of this pain and struggle. As days go by, and more IcyHot is applied, I tend to wonder how long it's going to take before I end up talking to myself, questioning things that never came to be and blaming myself for it all. Once again taking the hit first, and the others that follow. I've been given up on before, and even to this day I will fight to preserve something that I love and cherish more than anything, because being with this person, I have no back pain. I have no heavy things holding me down, I don't feel as though I have to take on so much because there is someone there to share those heavy things with, not in the sense of here take my pain and help me, but more like it's ok to take the vest off, they're not going to shoot.

no matter what though....I still stand there with my eyes closed. Hoping that whatever touches me, it's not too painful, it's doesn't hurt as much. That it hits me in the head rather than the heart, and whatever the feeling, if negative it goes quickly, no need to slow play it right?

*sigh*

The understanding of trying to maintain as opposed to just dealing with shit are not too far apart in my book. I'm trying to maintain sanity while I walk on a one way street with a dead end, hopping the fence in order to expand myself beyond just well ONE WAY. The shit I deal with is the job, my one ticket off this DEAD END street. The random niggas who have guns now, the people I know with guns, are the things I just DEAL with. I maintain a positive focus, a positive attitude, even when my heart is feeling negative. I smile so cats don't know what I'm thinking. I laugh so they can't tell what I'm feeling. I deal with myself and the fight within'. I don't question my love for folks but I question why they love me. I give but never really ask for anything back, I just tend to wonder why instead of giving back they rather throw a fit, or throw whatever it is you gave back at you. More things to put on my person....more things to remind me....

My Back Hurts